Taken advantage of...naturally.

Sorry for the long rant, everyone. But it's almost 11 pm, and I'm at my wits end. Ready to cry. I feel so torn.

I got the promotion at work. And I still want it, I'm still excitied. But only because I know that I can do awesome things for the store, and make it more fun for the younger kids to work there. I want to do that.

But I feel like the manager, my boss, is taking advantage of me already. When we discussed this promotion, we talked at length about my schedule. I volunteered one night a week. One. She literally giggled, she was so excited. She wasn't even expecting me to do one. So I got brownie points. And she assured me that, if I closed one night, she wouldn't schedule me to open the next day. Yay!

So I look at my schedule this week and lo and behold....she schedules me 2 nights. AND I'm opening the day after BOTH nights!!

So, here's my week. I worked tonight til 10:30, I open tomorrow at 6:30 am. School tomorrow night until 10:00. Repeat. So I literally only have 8 hours between shifts for the rest of the week.

Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't bitch too much, but this is exactly what she said she wouldn't do to me. Plus, I'm in college. I'm supposed to be having fun. i still haven't gone out and celebrated my birthday with friends, because of work and school. My entire life is far too serious. I have nothing at all to look forward to for weekends, school vacations....I'm just not like everyone else.

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of already. I have no idea what to do. I'm on the verge of crying right now, out of sheer frustration. How do you handle something like this? Especially with a boss who I love....she's so sweet, so nice, and she really does treat each of us with respect and she tries to make our jobs fun. But I don't think she understands that I want this to be a part time job...not my life. I have Brent to take care of, school to focus on, and a childhood that is slipping away before my eyes.

WWYD?

Testing this...

YES! I can put a title on my posts now! God, I hate Blogger.

Ahh, the joy.

I made my first legal alcohol purchase this evening. Get this....it was at....Wal Mart. Yes, I really am that lame. I have yet to go to a bar or restaraunt. Instead I buy a 6 pack at Wally World. And here's the most fantastic part. Me and Brent were at the register buying, and the cashier asks for ID. Knowing the law fully well, we both hand her our ID's. She waves mine off, but takes Brent's. He's 25 and looks older...I look 16. So I have yet to be carded. So I don't know how waiters/bartenders will react to my "Under 21" license from MA. Even though it says "Under 21 until July 10, 2006", I'm sure someone will give me gruff for it. But apparently we'll have to wait and see for that.

In other news I am officially an 8.5x11 scrapper. I am in love with that size. I finished 3 LO's in one night, and I'm itching to do more tomorrow instead of housework. I even used bunches of chipboard and ribbon and buttons on the LO's, which I usually don't do. It was a nice change of routine.

Hopefully going to N. Nashua on Tuesday for a free crop. Have already posted on SJ about it for every Tuesday this summer. So if any MA or NH Jazzers are reading PM ME!!

I got it! Woo hoo! There was nothing to it at all. The manager took me aside, asked if I was serious about wanting the job, and told me to grab a notebook and start taking notes for training LoL. It's going to be so exciting! I think I'll make a good manager. I hope I'll be the person that the high school employees will want to work for. I have one supervisor like that, and working for him is a pleasure. I think I will just model myself after him, and make people feel very appreciated for the hard work they do. I think that's the main ingredient that's missing from supervisors/managers that people don't like.

I don't know if today could have gotten any worse. It was just so....so blah! And I hated it.

Exfept for this little part: My boss was putting up a sign today that said Now Hiring: Shift Supervisor. I told her I could do it, just gie me the manager code! And I was kind of joking around, kind of being a bitch cause I really should be supervisor before they hire anyone from the outside. Well, the other manager says I should apply, and then the big big manager says she wants to talk to me tomorrow morning, first thing. And there's a supervisor at work who has been teasing me for a few weeks saying I'm the next supervisor, and he's going to train me himself so it'll be like torture.

So I have this weird feeling that I was being considered for the job beforehand, but for some reason nobody had approached me. Maybe they thought I wouldn't be interested? Well, I sort of am.

It will mean taking on more hours, on top of school and a non-existant social life. BUT it will be more freedom in the store, more respect, more money, and much better experience for later jobs. I'll have managerial experience. That's HUGE when applying for jobs later.

I hope that's what the big manager wanted to talk to me about. I really do. I'm going to pray on it tonight and see where tomorrow brings me. I could use some prayers from everyone else too. Getting a raise right now would make my entire life a little more secure. Thanks!

Okay ScrapJazzers, be gentle.

Especially since I have no idea how to use this silly Blogger, I can't seem to make it format the way I want to.

Plus, I'm tired. So I have an excuse. :p





I think these two pictures of Duke are my favorites.He has the cutest expressions, and the bench he's sitting on makes an awesome background. He was such a ham!






















Look at this silly face! I got tons of shots of him sleeping upside down, with his paws straight in the air, but they didn't come out this nice. So I'll save them for a rainy day. :)













Okay so I couldn't resist putting just one of his sleeping pics. Just don't tell him lol. See the smile??!! It's like his life just can't get any better than this! About an hour after these pictures were taken, Duke was found waist-deep inside a 50 pound bag of dog food. Tell me he isn't the coolest cat.











And here's my little brother, attempting to run away from me. He was sick of my snapping away within a few seconds. But he ended up being a pretty good sport. He grabbed my camera and started snapping shots of me. They came out pretty good!










See? We have another budding photographer. He's such a cutie.




And I did have a ton more to post, but it's almost midnight and I must get to bed. back to work after a 4 day weekend. Ugh. :(

I'm on my way to fireworks, free food, lots of pictures, and a water baloon fight. And yet all I want to do is sit in my room and scrap!!! Argh! Why why why, when I have no time, that's when the urge is greatest!?

Oh, and yesterday I went to Hampton Beach. I have a sunburn, sand in my hair, I smell like dead fish, but I got a million beautiful pics. And a 50$ ticket. Oops.

Got GIMP??

I do. If I happen to get lots of free time this summer, I see nothing but bad, bad things happening lol. Downloaded some free 2peas kits. Learned layers basics. Uh oh. This might not be a good thing lol. If only BG made digi papers....ahhh, life would be good.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I scored the sweetest deal ever today. Got an 8x8 Colorbok album with a cs/pp/punchout pack for 7$. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't those coordinated punchout packs typically 9-10$?? Yeah, I think they are. So, I bought 2. Naturally.

And now I'm off to learn opacity.

This morning is so awkward!

I stayed up until 3 am crying because Brent is a complete ass. Complete. Now I have to sit in the same house as him without throwing things at him. Totally weird. And, in typical fashion, he is acting like somehow I'm at fault? Okee dokee then. I swear he PMSes half the month.


Oh yeah, there he goes, totally slamming the drawers, and he definitely just threw a loaf of bread? Yeah, because that's manly and solves problems.

Are all men this ridiculous?

AC Moore has 8.5x11 cardstock on sale for 6 cents a sheet. Regularly 20 cents.

I don't need more. I don't need more. I don't, I don't, I don't.

But then I can't help but think of all the different shades of every color that I don't have. They carry 100 different colors. There's no way I have them all. And at 6 cents a sheet, I can afford to have them all, right? If I buy one sheet of every colorm that's....6$. I can afford 12 or 18$, right?

I am SUCH a paper junkie!

Argh!

All of a sudden I am afraid of lurkers and stalkers. So, if you are a creepy lurker or a stalker, I must kindly ask you to leave now. Thanks.

I have been on a creating spree, and I think I love it.

On Wednesday, I had a few hours between work and school, so I made a gift album for a co-worker's retirement. 8x8, 20 pages , in under 4 hours. And I must say, each page was uniquely designed, and very pretty. I was proud of it. I wish I had taken pictures of it to keep, but there wasn't enough time. I had to bring it to work to have everyone sign that afternoon.

I've also started my own version of the "She" albums that everyone is crazy about. I'm not familiar with the "official" way of doing it, but I do know that it's an album based on "She..." statements. So I'm making my own, and it will be a tribute to all the amazing women in my life who remind me how awesome life is.

I can't seem to get away from my scrap desk today, and I love love love it!

I did have to get away long enough to let NTB rape my wallet. Yes, I said rape my wallet. I just paid 320$ for front brakes on my car. But they were desperately needed. As in, I was driving a car that almost wouldn't stop for red lights. Never mind an emergency situation. So I'm glad it's done, I'll just be feeling the financial effects for a few weeks.

Speaking of financial, talked to Brent today about my birthday present. I put a deal out on the table. I will save portionf of my paycheck for the next few weeks and save up a nice chunk of $$$. I will take the tattoo money that my roomate was going to give me and add it to my saved money. And then, he and anyone else who is interested will chip in the rest....

AND I WILL HAVE MY REBEL!!!!!!!

Oh I can't wait. It's only fair that I get a nice big present for myself. He got his 42'' monster TV and an XBos360. The XBox was admittedly a gift from me, but it still counts. He got his two expensive purchases, I think it's my turn. And if I save up slowly rather than put it on my credit card, it won't hurt the wallet nearly as much.

That's all for now. I'm off to my desk again for a bit, at least until 9 when I get to lurk around in the crazy SJ chat.

I am....amazing myself lately
I want...to celebrate something
I have...a cup of coffee and a morning bagel
I wish...for more kisses
I hate...next week's work schedule
I miss....someone I can never admit to missing

The Curse of Eve: Woman will forever settle


We will settle with our jobs. Our health. Our living arrangements. Our hours. Our pay. Our dinner menus. Our cars. All for the happiness of others. We will go without so that someone else may have.

But why do we settle with our men? Nobody else gains in that situation.
Every one of us that goes to bed thinking "Is this it?" KNOWS that this isn't it. There IS something better out there. But still we settle. For today or for ten years. We don't do for ourselves.

I have been robbed of every romantic movie moment I can imagine. Robbed of the perfect prom. Robbed of laying on the hood of my T-Bird under the stars at the beach. Robbed of driving nowhere, going nowhere, having fun. Robbed of giggling and love notes. I have been robbed of heartfelt talks late at night about naming the children, putting them on the schoolbus for the first time.

I have been robbed of fairytale dreams and happy endings. I no longer believe in soulmates or true love. I don't think I'll ever be emotionally fulfilled. I don't believe that happiness comes to those who work for it, because my work has yet to pay off.

And why? Who gains? Not me. It's not like giving up the last piece of cake so that someone else can enjoy it more. It's not like sacrificing your swollen and aching feet for another day at work, so we can afford the expensive steaks that he likes.

It's sacrifice for nothing. I can see my life 10 years from now. No emotional growth, no shared spiritual experience. No nothing. Just bills, children, and parent-teacher night.

I don't believe in fairy tale love anymore. I don't believe in drive-in movies or homemade pancakes in bed on Sunday morning. I don't believe in sneaking kisses at Gramma's house on Christmas. I don't believe in whispering under the covers.

I believe that I have settled. And I don't think I will forgive myself.

So why do I let myself?

Day 3 begins


It hasn't been so bad. Certainly not unbearable. But it has its moments of suckiness. I'll definitely never tell anyone that it was easy, that's for sure.

Last night I went to bed with a sore throat, stiff neck, tight chest and a raging dizzy headache. I found the junkie talk trying to bargain with me "Just one, it won't really wreck your quit. Even a puff, it'll make you feel better." Luckily, with the help of a support group online, I've learned already to seperate junkie talk from my own mental voice. I was able to keep the junkie at bay.

My car is clean, the top was down and I had a blast yesterday. I drove everywhere I could think of with the top down, just celebrating that I could, because I didn't need to worry about how to light cigarettes with the wind blowing. It's pathetic how much power those things had over me.

Please, any one who can spare a few, I could still use your prayers. I know that it will get worse before it gets better. And I'll be facing some really, really hard triggers this weekend, so I'll need all the extra strength I can get.

Official Day 2 Smoke Free

I just put on my second patch, which means I am officially entering the second day smoke free. I haven't even been near a smoker, so I haven't had any of the secondhand smoke either. With DBF and roomie well into their quits, I feel a lot more strength than I would have otherwise. I have 2 people who have just recently gone through this, who know what it's like and who understand why I'm moody and depressed. I'm very lucky.

On the other hand I don't think my waistline will like this very much. I've been eating candy like it's going to get cancelled tomorrow. I guess I should just throw all of it away and avoid the convenience stores.

Speaking of throwing away...I threw away 2 opened packs and 1 unopened pack, along with 3 lighters today. It felt strange, throwing away something that I used to worship, something that I would never even waste 1 of. And it was hard to actually have the lighter in my hand. But I did it. I threw them away at the car wash, so there won't even be any temptation to go digging through my trash to get them back. Hey, it's an addiction, and a junkie has no problem digging through trash for a hit.

I'm off to school in a few, proudly wearing my tanktop and displaying my patch. I've gotten a lot of support from random strangers today who have told me their quitting experiences. It feels good.

I am in love. Completely, hopelessly, and insanely in love. With the Scion xA. It's curvy, but not feminine. Small, but not whimpy. Fancy enough, but not yuppie. Even the bare-bones, $14,000 model has everything I want. And the gas mileage is almost enough to send me into a stupor. 32/38 mpg. And that's real user-averaged, not just the company's testing rate. Real owners of this vehicle have attested across the internet to almost forgetting what a gas station looks like. How I long for that.
And the price tag is realistic, too. With even a small down payment, I could swing monthly payments of 180$, I think.

This would be my first new vehicle. Budgeting for it will be tough, but I think we can do it. It's to the point where a new car is a necessity. I can no longer feel safe driving my car. I stress out over every last mile I drive, wondering which will be the last one, worried about not having a backup plan. I can't feel free to get in the car and go somewhere...it's like all the life that's left in it is reserved for work and back. It's sad, and I deserve a little bit better than that.

So, this week will be full of more research, trips to dealers, and probably lots of haggling. But presumably at the end of it, I will drive away in the flint-pearl beauty you see here.

Okay, so I did it. I finished cleaning some more and got the bug to go out and take some pictures.

But first I went to Wal Mart and got some cute foam stamps for only 1.47, upper and lower case alphas. They're great. Plus, the clearance section was full of ribbons and adhesives and even some albums. I grabbed a rubber alpha set for only 5$. And of course the obligatory kitty litter and catnip toys.

As for the pictures, I'm not sure how I feel. I mean, I feel good that I practiced, but I'm not sure how they came out for a first timer. I felt like a complete tool in the park taking the pictures. There was a baseball game going on and a million parents with their kids. I think I freaked them out a little bit. I tried to stay very close to the flowers and make it look completely obvious that I wasn't some freak trying to sneak their kids into the picture for some reason.

Again, most of these came out too bright. I swear there wasn't that much sunshine out. I don't know why that's happening. I guess I have a date with my camera manual later tonight.


I had never been to this park before. I was expecting there to be a garden or something, like there were at parks where I used to live. But there was only weeds, and some really cool looking bushes, which I didn't get pics of because they were right next to playing children and the paranoid parents I mentioned earlier. I like this shot because it was a random flower growing out of a crack in the pavement. It just struck me.

And this one too, it's too bright. But the bush was so cool, it was weaving itself in and out of the fence. And every time the wind blew, the whole fence would sway because the bush took over the whole thing. I drive by that park every day, I can even sometimes hear the baseball games from my porch, yet I've never been. I'm going to go explore the walking trails next weekend. Hopefully I'll catch some shots of bugs or something, which is what I was really hoping for today. My only option was bees, and I just got the feeling that a group of bees in a flower would not appreciate being photographed.

I'm not sure exactly how this is supposed to work...

Seems a little fuzzy, but I think with practice I can get rid of that. What really bugs me is that bright light coming from the bottom right. The only thing I can think of that would do that is my carpet...it's off white. Could be reflecting, considering the light source I was using was the sunlight coming through the sliding door.

I played around in Picasa a little bit, and made some of them look really funny, like comic book illustrations. But no luck in getting anything that makes a real improvement. As long as I get proficient enough not to embarrass myself when I attempt a shoot with my brother in his graduation cap and gown, then I'm happy.

I'm debating leaving the house and hunting down some pretty flowers, practice using my close up lenses and macro mode. But that would mean putting on makeup and possibly doing my hair. I'm not sure I can handle that at this moment, but I'll keep it in mind in case inspiration hits me later this afternoon.

Look what I got....


My new aloe plant. I got it as a reward for myself after I managed to rearrange the kitchen, re-organize and move all the dishes and tupperware (including finding all the lids and matching them with their containers). I've decided that I will buy myself a new tablecloth and matching place mats once I shampoo the living room rug and give the kitchen floor a much-needed scrubbing. Baby steps are the way to go. This whole "donesticity" thing is really hitting me, and even though my progress isn't very visible, I'm proud of myself for taking 20 minutes a day to straighten up. I can feel the difference, even if nobody else can see it, because every day my 20 minutes goes a little bit further, and it's starting to feel more routine.


Okay, for some reason, my photo refuses to upload. I guess that's alright. That's what the Edit button is for.

Why did I choose something as mundane as a plant for a reward? Especially considering all the scrap supplies I've had my little heart set on lately?
Something about having houseplants makes me feel like a house is truly a home. That's been a big challenge for me since I've gotten this apartment. It hasn't ever really felt like "Home". It's felt more like a stepping stone between last year's boarding house and my "someday" real house. That's unfortunate, considering how much work I do every day to keep this place up and running. So I decided to tap into that energy that I feel whenever I walk into a house full of plants.

I think the plants in a house speak volumes about the woman of the house. It's like a touch of wild femininity in every corner. There's something very sensual about a house with plants; it tells vistors that this house is run by a woman. A woman who can cook, clean, organize, play secretary, and still have time to take care of something else.

The more plants I can surround myself with, the more I feel like I can be that woman.

Pockets, zippers, pouches, little hidden compartments, organizers and even a compact mirror. A pouch just big enough for my camera. And this one with buttons! That one with buckles! There's denim and cordorouy, cotton and mesh. Pink or black or purple or green.

I can't get enough of purses. Bags, sachels, sacks, carry-alls; whatever you fancy calling them. They call me. I can't walk past the purse aisle in any store. There's a temptation to finger through each one of them, to feel their different textures and ruffle up the fabrics; to poke at all their decorations and sort through all the pockets.

I can't justify it by saying I need them. I can't match any of them with a particular outfit; not that I'd even want to, when the beauties speak for themselves independently of the outfit. I can't justify it, I won't justify it, I just need them.

There's a sense of security that comes with knowing that you can toss your entire life over your shoulder and be ready to go at a moment's notice.
Someone has a headache? I have asprin.
First Aid kit? Check.
Gotta have the camera. And four different kinds of hand lotion. Oh, you want chap stick too? Got it.
Make up bag. Check. MP3 player? Right here. Notepad and a vast assortment of pens? On hand at all times.

So there's a practical reason. And then there's just the look of envy on people's faces when they see the treasures that I have always at my disposal because of my trusty purse.

Or the intensity when I decide to change purses for the day. When I dump this one out, what long-forgotten treasures will I stumble upon? What lies at the bottom, waiting to be lovd again? There's no greater excitement than finding that Bonne Bell Cherry Vanilla lip gloss that looked so good on me a few months back, lying at the bottom of a pocket, just waiting to be my favorite again. And the change that falls out! Dunkin Donuts today, courtesy of the purse! Can life get any better than that?

ARGH!