Saturday, June 24, 2006

AC Moore has 8.5x11 cardstock on sale for 6 cents a sheet. Regularly 20 cents.

I don't need more. I don't need more. I don't, I don't, I don't.

But then I can't help but think of all the different shades of every color that I don't have. They carry 100 different colors. There's no way I have them all. And at 6 cents a sheet, I can afford to have them all, right? If I buy one sheet of every colorm that's....6$. I can afford 12 or 18$, right?

I am SUCH a paper junkie!

Argh!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

All of a sudden I am afraid of lurkers and stalkers. So, if you are a creepy lurker or a stalker, I must kindly ask you to leave now. Thanks.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

I have been on a creating spree, and I think I love it.

On Wednesday, I had a few hours between work and school, so I made a gift album for a co-worker's retirement. 8x8, 20 pages , in under 4 hours. And I must say, each page was uniquely designed, and very pretty. I was proud of it. I wish I had taken pictures of it to keep, but there wasn't enough time. I had to bring it to work to have everyone sign that afternoon.

I've also started my own version of the "She" albums that everyone is crazy about. I'm not familiar with the "official" way of doing it, but I do know that it's an album based on "She..." statements. So I'm making my own, and it will be a tribute to all the amazing women in my life who remind me how awesome life is.

I can't seem to get away from my scrap desk today, and I love love love it!

I did have to get away long enough to let NTB rape my wallet. Yes, I said rape my wallet. I just paid 320$ for front brakes on my car. But they were desperately needed. As in, I was driving a car that almost wouldn't stop for red lights. Never mind an emergency situation. So I'm glad it's done, I'll just be feeling the financial effects for a few weeks.

Speaking of financial, talked to Brent today about my birthday present. I put a deal out on the table. I will save portionf of my paycheck for the next few weeks and save up a nice chunk of $$$. I will take the tattoo money that my roomate was going to give me and add it to my saved money. And then, he and anyone else who is interested will chip in the rest....

AND I WILL HAVE MY REBEL!!!!!!!

Oh I can't wait. It's only fair that I get a nice big present for myself. He got his 42'' monster TV and an XBos360. The XBox was admittedly a gift from me, but it still counts. He got his two expensive purchases, I think it's my turn. And if I save up slowly rather than put it on my credit card, it won't hurt the wallet nearly as much.

That's all for now. I'm off to my desk again for a bit, at least until 9 when I get to lurk around in the crazy SJ chat.
I am....amazing myself lately
I want...to celebrate something
I have...a cup of coffee and a morning bagel
I wish...for more kisses
I hate...next week's work schedule
I miss....someone I can never admit to missing

Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Curse of Eve: Woman will forever settle


We will settle with our jobs. Our health. Our living arrangements. Our hours. Our pay. Our dinner menus. Our cars. All for the happiness of others. We will go without so that someone else may have.

But why do we settle with our men? Nobody else gains in that situation.
Every one of us that goes to bed thinking "Is this it?" KNOWS that this isn't it. There IS something better out there. But still we settle. For today or for ten years. We don't do for ourselves.

I have been robbed of every romantic movie moment I can imagine. Robbed of the perfect prom. Robbed of laying on the hood of my T-Bird under the stars at the beach. Robbed of driving nowhere, going nowhere, having fun. Robbed of giggling and love notes. I have been robbed of heartfelt talks late at night about naming the children, putting them on the schoolbus for the first time.

I have been robbed of fairytale dreams and happy endings. I no longer believe in soulmates or true love. I don't think I'll ever be emotionally fulfilled. I don't believe that happiness comes to those who work for it, because my work has yet to pay off.

And why? Who gains? Not me. It's not like giving up the last piece of cake so that someone else can enjoy it more. It's not like sacrificing your swollen and aching feet for another day at work, so we can afford the expensive steaks that he likes.

It's sacrifice for nothing. I can see my life 10 years from now. No emotional growth, no shared spiritual experience. No nothing. Just bills, children, and parent-teacher night.

I don't believe in fairy tale love anymore. I don't believe in drive-in movies or homemade pancakes in bed on Sunday morning. I don't believe in sneaking kisses at Gramma's house on Christmas. I don't believe in whispering under the covers.

I believe that I have settled. And I don't think I will forgive myself.

So why do I let myself?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Day 3 begins


It hasn't been so bad. Certainly not unbearable. But it has its moments of suckiness. I'll definitely never tell anyone that it was easy, that's for sure.

Last night I went to bed with a sore throat, stiff neck, tight chest and a raging dizzy headache. I found the junkie talk trying to bargain with me "Just one, it won't really wreck your quit. Even a puff, it'll make you feel better." Luckily, with the help of a support group online, I've learned already to seperate junkie talk from my own mental voice. I was able to keep the junkie at bay.

My car is clean, the top was down and I had a blast yesterday. I drove everywhere I could think of with the top down, just celebrating that I could, because I didn't need to worry about how to light cigarettes with the wind blowing. It's pathetic how much power those things had over me.

Please, any one who can spare a few, I could still use your prayers. I know that it will get worse before it gets better. And I'll be facing some really, really hard triggers this weekend, so I'll need all the extra strength I can get.