I miss my Nana

I graduated two weeks ago tomorrow, and I did it for, and because of, my Nana. I am her only grandchild to ever get a college degree, and I know I made her proud walking across that stage that day.

I went to her stone yesterday to take pictures. I wanted to sit and talk to her. But as I got there and started to bend down, I had this overwhelming feeling, like she was actually talking to me, telling me I didn't need to sit next to no stupid stone to talk to her! It was her voice and everything! She was always so direct. She was never one to watch her words. She would tell you things exactly as they were.

She died in a car accident on August 1st, 2005. Nobody can explain what happened. The autopsy report is even inconclusive. My three youngest siblings were in the car when it happened, and they don't know what could have caused it. One minute they were all laughing and having a good time, and the next minute they careened at 80MPH into a tree on the side of the highway. M pulled 3 of the kids out of the car. D was stuck under the dashboard, his seatbelt having been ripped right out of the seat from the force of the impact. J, my cousin, cried and ran back to the car to try to get D out, but M stopped him, knowing too well that the car could be engulfed in flame at any second. That girl, at just 10 years old, is smarter and more brave than anyone I have ever met. Imagine having the foresight to save yourself and 3 younger, injured kids, and knowing that it was too risky to go back and get the others. I get a tickle in my throat just looking at her sometimes, thinking of what must have been going through her head as she weighed the consequences of possibly leaving her brother in a burning car, with the possibility of herself or her other siblings and cousins getting killed in the process of trying to help him. I can't even imagine.

My Nana was 68 that day when she died. It was the most beautiful morning. Sunny, hot, and forecast to get hotter. They were going to the beach. Nana was great for things like that. It would always occur to her to just pick up all the kids and go somewhere cool for the day. Even when I was younger, I remember her picking us up to do something special all the time. Unannounced. It could be stupid things like going to super WalMart or helping her plant her garden. But the fact that it came out of nowhere, and it was just a gift for us being *us* made it so special. I thank God that the kids' last moments with her were filled with that feeling you get when you truly believe that you're the most amazing kid in the world. Because that's how she made every kid feel.

Nana and the car full of ids left that morning. I was supposed to be there to wave them off, but got caught up in my own life for a few too many minutes and of course, everyone assumed we would all be together at the end of the day to say hello and talk about the trip to the beach. I swear, never again will I treat another moment like it will always be there for the taking. I hate to simplify experiences like this into little gems of wisdom but I truly believe that God wanted me to learn this lesson. Sure, there were a million other reasons why He called her home that day, but I can't overlook the fact that He wanted to also show me to slow down, take some time to see people, to talk to them and love them. I think I have forgiven myself for those extra 15 minutes I took that morning, but I will never forget them. They were so insignificant. So trivial, and they cost me the chance to tell her one more time how much I loved her.

Most people don't have the relationship with their grandparents that I had with my Nana. We were truly different from most people. Even before I was born, she loved me. She literally saved my life. I adore my maternal grandparents but when they found out I was coming along, they were determined to stop it. My Nana hid my mom away, convinced her to keep me and promised to be there to help my mom through everything. I would have never been here if not for her undying love, and her bravery. How many people can say that they literally owe their life to someone?

And I've always taken that seriously. I am like her little clone. From the first moment that I can remember, I remember trying to be like her. Talk like her, think like her, do everything like her. She was truly my idol. Even now, when I'm faced with tough situations, I think of what Nana would do. And then I do it. I owe it to her, to live on in her footsteps, as she is the one who allowed me to live in the first place. So many times a week, someone in my family will tell me " You are your Nana's girl!"

I wish I had a way with words enough to accurately describe her. I feel like everyone who never met her has missed out somehow. She was so honest, so blunt, and refreshing.

You just knew never to ask Nana for advice unless you REALLY wanted it. Because she would give it to you. And it would not be gentle or sugarcoated at all. She had a way of knowing exactly what the consequences of your actions would be, and had no problem telling you.

She never made it through high school. She worked all her life to provide her kids and grandkids with all the luxuries that she never had.

She watched her 16 year old son (my dad) go from being pronounced dead, to pronounced a vegetable, to walking and fathering children, like no doctor thought he ever would.

She hated cats. Don't know why, just did.

She spoiled all of us relentlessly. Anything we wanted, and even things we didn't know we wanted yet. That Christmas season when Furby's were impossible to get, she somehow managed to get me 2. Just because.

She made you feel like you were the only person in the room. You could always stop in. She might be in her housecoat, but there would be coffee, snacks and hours of conversation. And with her, you could really get into it. You could swear, cry, bang the table, yell. Do what you needed to do. She would join right in with you.

She was a strong Christian. You would never know it outwardly. She wasn't interested in saving souls or even talking about her beliefs. But she would pray for you, and for anyone else she met. She would talk to Jesus and get all her strength from Him. I wish I had gotten to know her more in that regard.

My favorite memory ever of her, is me and her sitting in her swing, singing You Are My Sunshine. I know that sounds so cliche, but it's the truth. We did that. So often. And I would sit on her lap and ask her if I was too heavy for her. She promised me over and over that I would never be too heavy for her lap. And I swear to you, until the day he died, that was the truth. I sat on that lap more times than I can count. When I was happy, sad, sick, anything. It was the most comfortable spot in the world to be.

How I wish that lap could have somehow been there to comfort me when she passed. I know that it really was, in some Heavenly way, as I never ever in a million years expected the strength that I had through her services. I did it for the kids. I had told them so many times about how beautiful Heaven is, and how happy people are to be with God. How could I then go and cry at her passing? It would make me a liar. So I didn't. And I know it was her that gave me the strength to do that. But when I got home, when there were no curious eyes waiting for my next move, I was a wreck. I stood on my porch and screamed at God. I screamed at her. How could she leave us like that??!! How dare she just go, and leave us by ourselves, with no other family to love us like she did! It took a long time to get over than anger.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm thankful that I'm finally in a place where I truly and utterly believe that she is with the Lord, sitting with Jesus, and loving every minute of it. I am thankful that I had such a great relationship with her that others can see her living on in me. I am thankful that I have the chance to pass on all her wisdom and beauty to the younger kids, who never knew her like I did.

I miss her so much lately, just thinking about the milestones that I will hit without her here. Graduation day was difficult, to say the least. How will I handle my wedding day, when I marry the man that she loved more than I did at first sight? How will I handle having children? Buying my first house? Getting a Master's degree?

I don't know, really. The night before graduation, I let my mom see my cry over this for the first time ever. I wish she could have been there. I would have given every last thing that I own to have had her back for those few minutes while I made the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. I would have uninvited everyone else, just so that she could have been there. Anything, anything at all I would have done just to see her smiling face there next to the stage.
I have to stop, crying on a keyboard can't be good for the circuitry.

God, I miss her. The world has some big shoes to fill.